Whispers in the Dark

with Ellie Navarro

Submission by C. Zverev

The first noise that registered was a constant beep. Incessant. Loud. Annoying. 

It wouldn’t stop.

I’m so tired. My eyelids feel glued shut. My body is heavy and stiff. I feel as if I’m stuck waking up, unable to move. Frozen in place. Time starts to fade out and I succumb to the lull of sleep.

The second noise that registered was a rhythmic hissing. Like breath rushing in and out. But it’s too steady. It can’t be someone breathing. A person wouldn’t, no couldn’t be so controlled. It had to be a machine.

Time starts to fade again. I try to hold onto consciousness, but sleep envelops me.

I wake again. Or fade into consciousness might be a better description for it. The beeping comes into focus, followed by the soft hissing of a machine. In and out… In and out…

The beeping is just subtlety quicker than the machine. Offset. It bothers me as I try to time it. I wait for them to sync up. But they don’t. 

My mind is so foggy. I need something else to think of. Anything else. 

Maybe if I could see them? My eyes! Heavy and immobile. Open. I think.

But my eyelids don’t move.

OPEN!

Nothing happens. 

It’s like they’ve been glued shut. I start to panic. My mind begins to race. What is happening?

OPEN! PLEASE OPEN!  I beg my own body. 

But nothing is happening. Help! I think. I try to call out.

PLEASE!

HELP!!

SOMEONE! ANYONE!

My mouth doesn’t move. I try to focus on my mouth. I need someone to help me. Something is terribly wrong. 

That’s when I feel it. The third thing that registers to me. There’s something in my mouth. Something hard and rigid. My mouth is open. I can feel something in my throat.

I panic. 

What is this? 

What happened?

Why can’t I see?

Why can’t I speak?

It’s not just the thing in my throat. No sound comes from me. No muffled cry. 

Nothing.

I try to remember. I try to figure out what happened. But there’s nothing.

And then the thing that breaks me.

Who am I?

I sob and scream. Beg. Plead. Nothing happens. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I can’t see.

I can hear. That’s all I have. 

Beep

Beep

Whoosh

Beep

Hiss

Beep

On and on it goes.

I let nothingness envelop me again. 

Time has no meaning anymore. 

I fade in and out of sleep. Or nothingness. It is safe there. The beeping can’t drive me mad. The hideous feeling of my chest rising and falling with every hiss and whoosh can’t hurt me. I have no control. I am nothing. I am no one.

Bright, sunny warmth envelops my hand. It jolts me to consciousness. I’m here, present.

“I’m so sorry, Honey.” A man’s voice. Sad. Rough. Familiar. Comforting. 

“Amy. Love. I’m sorry.”

Amy. That’s me. I think as memories spark in my mind. He’s Charles.

Oh Charles. What happened to me? 

What happened to Sarah? I think. Who’s Sarah?

I search my mind. Sarah. She’s important. More important than even Charles. My husband. 

Sarah. My baby.

I’m screaming. My baby! What happened to my baby?

Nothing comes out. I listen to Charles cry and my mind is consumed with the need to know what happened to Sarah. Something terrible happened to me.

Bright lights and pain surface in my mind. A car crash?

Sarah… my baby.

Charles is gone. His warmth fading from my hand. 

It’s just me and the machines again. The beeping and hissing. I fade away. Sadness. Worry. Sarah. 

I need nothingness. The fear and wrongness are too much for me. I can’t do anything. It eats at me. It’s driving me crazy.

Beep

Hiss

Beep

Beep 

“Why do I have to say goodbye Daddy?” a little girl asks. 

I jolt into the present. Every fiber of my being buzzes with awareness. It’s her. Sarah

“Mommy’s not here anymore.” Charles chokes out. I can hear the strength breaking in him. “The doctors say it’s time. We’re going to turn the machines off. Mommy’s not here anymore. Mommy’s in Heaven.”

No!

“But Mommy’s right there.” She cries, confused.

I’m here. I try to scream.

I try to move. Anything. A toe. A blink. 

My body doesn’t respond. I lay there. Unmoving.

Small arms wrap around me. Sarah. My baby.

“I love you Mommy.” a small voice sobs near my ear.

I love you baby. I’ll always love you. I sob with her.

A warm hand covers mine. Charles. I’m here. Please!

“I’m so sorry Amy. We’ve tried everything. I know you can’t hear me. But if… if you were here. I’m sorry love.”

I sense more people moving around the room.

“Come now, Sarah. We have to let the doctors work.”

“Goodbye mommy.” The warmth on my chest is snatched away. 

I hear the small echo of her Sunday best shoes on the hard floor. Charles’ heavier boots in time with hers. 

No.. come back. Don’t leave me.

I demand my voice call out. Scream. Sob. Anything. I try to thrash about. To move any part of my body.

But nothing happens. The doctors and nurses move about me. Oh god. They don’t know I’m here.

A cool hand holds mine. I don’t recognize it. A soft voice. “It’s time Amy. We’re shutting down the machines now. Rest in peace, dear.” A nurse.

I’m here.

Please!!!

Stop!!

The hissing stops. One long whoosh drags out and my chest does not rise again. I’m almost thankful for the sound to be gone. For peace. 

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep. Long and drawn out. A switch is pressed.

Click. 

The nothingness holds me close one final time.